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Dear Andy,

I'm losing you.

Not in the way that I lost you before. This way is worse. I am forgetting things. Some of them are small. Regardless of importance, I can't bear to lose any of it.

I have lost the sound of your ring-tone. I have lost the fact that you used to have a black trench coat that you had borrowed from Justin Vincent, and what you looked like in it. Sometimes I forget which side the scar above your eye was on. Sometimes I have to struggle to remember what you look like in my memory, instead of a photograph. I lost what I used to look at when I slept at your Somerville apartment, just before I went to sleep. I have lost the sound of your voice almost completely. Never mind the way you said my name, or called me any pet name... or the way you pronounced "love." I can't remember your voice anymore unless I struggle.

I am slowly realizing some very very sad things about all this. One of them being that you must certainly feel nothing for me now, and that your life has surely moved on-- the way that my life did, when other people still loved me.

The other is much worse.

When you used to kiss me, my heart would beat faster, and I'd never know when the kiss was ending. Milliseconds after you pulled away I was still standing there, lips parted, thinking I was still kissing you. It happened as often as when we would kiss. I loved that you did this to me. It had never been done before. My head would swim.

I have kissed people since then. But I am afraid-- terrified really-- because I know its never going to happen again. Maybe I'll really enjoy being kissed again, but I'll never feel the exact same feeling that you gave me. I won't feel it ever. That's not stubbornness. That's not me not wanting to give others the chance to.... This is the realization that makes me cry every time I think on it.

Its over.

And I'm never going to feel like this again.

Some things will come close. And some things will be similar. Somethings may be as equally good and exciting. But the truth is that I've lost you and that feeling with you, for the rest of my life. It won't ever be the same.

Everything changes. What a goddamn shame.

I need to leave Boston. I can't stay in a place that reminds me so strongly of you. Everywhere I go I remember things we did together. Jokes we laughed at, comfort we gave. Where we held hands. Where you surprised me. In all of these places I loved you, so I have to go. Once I do, I'm losing the opportunity to ever even see you again. We'll never meet again. It's just facts. Maybe in May, I'll be better. I'm seeing a doctor. Its probably silly to see a doctor over a breakup, but I have the nagging feeling that something worse is happening to me. I am losing my mind. I have always been crazy, and weird and out there, but I have never felt like this before. But I want to feel better. I want to get better.

I wish just once I'd sat you down and looked you in the eye and told you that my greatest fear was that I'd found the one (that thing people talk about) and it was you. I didn't know if it was true. All of everything was telling me not to tell you. I knew that you didn't see eye to eye with me on it. I knew you didn't know or feel the same. I knew you'd be scared if I did tell you. So I never did. I wish I had now.

When I was younger-- I feel much older now than ever before-- I never thought that I would get married or have children. Essentially I knew it was because I would end up alone. Somewhere in the back of my mind.... I must have always known that would be true. For the very first time, I am sure that it is true. When I leave Boston, I'll never see you again. We'll never cross paths again.

There'll be others. Other loves. People tell me that this is true. My mother... my mother had the exact same thing happen to her. That forestry major crushed her heart. She found my dad. Even I'm not such a bratty kid that I can't see they love each other.

But I haven't gotten better since December. And I don't think I'll be better by May. Or better when I move away from Boston. Or better when my life moves forward onto the next grand adventure. It won't be better when I forget about you completely. It won't be better if I ever work up the nerve to love as greatly again. I don't know that I'm ever going to get better. Its in my gut. You have eclipsed everything.

I love you, and miss you very very much.

Love, Kate

Dear Andy,

I missed you more than usual today.

You talked to me yesterday, and I think it really got my hopes up. You said we didn't have to avoid each other anymore... and set me all a fucking twitter. (I wonder if you'll always have that effect on me. Even up to the end, you gave me butterflies and continually took my breath away-- just for the small stuff. I secretly still think its grand that you can. I won't thrill over just anyone. In fact, I don't thrill over anyone. Just you.) I got my hopes up today, which is a sign I think of my progress, or lack-there-of. I waited there at the gym for an extra hour going in circles waiting to see if you would show up. I wanted to see you looking all sharp in a suit and tie.

And I broke down after a bit and sent a text, casually. The second text was trouble though. I shouldn't have continued to talk to you, because it really hurt a lot when you couldn't come see me. I guess I read too far into "we don't have to be awkward around each other anymore." I should have known that deep down you don't want to see me. You just want to not have to not look at me if we ever happen to be in the same room again.

Knowing that is hard. Knowing that's all its ever going to be--forever-- is so damn hard, Andy.

I spent the rest of the day sighing. Just heaving these huge heavy sighs... and crying.

I'm all locked in my room, sipping coke, eating chocolate, watching L Word and trying my damnest not to think about you. Not that trying is doing anything. I want to reach out and touch you and be held by you. Everywhere I go reminds me of you. Every night I flip over and close my eyes and all I see is what I used to look at when I slept in your bed.

I feel so trapped and sad. I don't know I'm ever going to get over you. I've been trying to talk to some girlfriends lately, but it doesn't help to hear that they never got over their big loves. I love my friends a lot and sympathize with them. I love them for opening up to me. But I'm terrified to spend my life like that, never getting over you, having every subsequent person pale in comparison to you, having every other person dissappoint me because none of them are you.

I haven't drawn a thing since you left.

I can't.

I want to leave Boston forever, so I can get away from every place we used to be together. I can't go anywhere, even work, without thinking of you.

...

Sometimes I wish we hadn't met. I know we wouldn't have if it weren't for the internet. I even hate the internet sometimes, and I think it will always remind me of you, even if it has little to nothing to do with you overall. If I had never met you, I'd be blissfully ignorant. I'd never have known what it was like to be so happy. And, alternatively I'd never know what these last few months would feel like. It doesn't get easier, even though everyone keeps telling me it will.

I don't know what to do anymore, except sit here and keep hoping somethings gonna happen.

I miss you and love you very, very much.

Love, Kate

http://wontquitmydayjob.blogspot.com

Also: Went out to dinner and a movie with that guy and I am left with the unsettled feeling that he has problems. Needy, clingy problems. He broke up with that girl on Monday evening and asked me out for Tuesday night. I went, but left awkwardly. Don't know what to make of him at all, but its not like I want him to be my boyfriend. Further assessment required, then I'll gauge how badly I actually need to sleep with someone. At least he's cute.

I miss Andy though. I miss Andy a lot. But I haven't been on his facebook page or twitter in 3 days. Progress! I am probably also going to see someone at Behavioral Medicine this week for a consultation.

Blogged

http://wontquitmydayjob.blogspot.com/

Yesterday's fun with laelmo : BROWNIEEEEES

And today's BURGERDOM

But didn't.

Try not to be too offended/ read into it, but don't come crying to me if you don't like what you read.

1. I love you.
2. I liked Maine and lied about it because I wanted to be supportive of you.
3. Gazipasha 2018!
4. I'll be happier if you don't come back from Morocco.
5. I have intricate plans for the zombie apocalypse.
6. Foodblogging is addictive.
7. But cooking is no longer comforting.
8. I'm irritated from hearing about graduate school.
9. I'm terrified of getting a job.
10. I have no idea where to go, but I know I need to leave.
11. I don't want to give myself the opportunity to be tempted into hoping again.
12. I always knew it wasn't reciprocal, but it was a damned nice lie and I rather liked it.
13. Give it back.
14. I'm sorry, I'll dance harder next time.
15. MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK.
16. I have more non-blood brothers than your average girl, I think.
17. I'm mentally and emotionally prepared to drop everything and escape to Newfoundland.
18. Let's go back to that mountain in the spring.
19. Or better yet, find another one.
20. $2 Tuesdays should come to Boston because I'd be drunker and less poor.
21. I shouldn't be put on a pedestal.
22. I'm sick of being every poor kid's savior.
23. Maybe the people I crush emotionally should stay down when I kick them.
24. Everything is impermanent.
25. I feel bad for telling you not be friends with me anymore and thank you for your patience.
26. But my life is sooooooo much more calm now.
27. I wish I hadn't become an RA.
28. How come we can be friends when we're 1000 miles away from each other, but whenever I come back you put on your BITCH britches and start the control-a-thon?
29. The world has become grayer.
30. I want to see my twin.
31. I envy you for really getting it right in life: perfect job, loving and loyal family, incredible girl... you really won the coin toss.
32. Just kidding-- I can't blame luck because you worked for something amazing and got the shit end of the stick.
33. Sometimes I tan.
34. I'll pull myself up on that ledge.
35. Fuck the tide and the mussels chopping up my legs.
36. I'm probably not going to get a job...
37. Goddamned recession.
38. I'd redo the year if it were possible.
39. I'd do all the things I was too scared to do and say.
40. And this was the year where I feel I really lacked the balls to do and say those things.
41. I graduate in May, and college will be over.
42. I desperately miss you and want to move South to see you!
43. I'm sorry I never turned in those papers to you.
44. Shit got busy.
45. The internet is a mind-killer
46. Facebook is still an effective stalking tool.
47. I'm sorry I ever, albeit briefly, entertained the idea of you.
48. Mainer stoners beat Masshole stoners 110%
49. Except for Rory, because he beats all hands.
50. I think that's the first time I have ever mentioned anyone by name in the 100 things
51. I want to be loved.
52. But only if its by you.
53. I think this is the first time I've ever really been in love.
54. What the hell was I doing all this time, then?
55. I have to quit everything, and do for brief periods of time.
56. But VICE IS SO FUCKING NICE.
57. I'm sorry I quit fencing, but they really made it unbearable.
58. I am alone in everything that I do now.
59. I'm so glad I quit that job.
60. You no longer cross my mind.
61. And you no longer haunt me.
62. And the both of you together mean nothing to me now.
63. I wonder if one day you will mean nothing to me.
64. And even typing that, I'm terrified because I get the gut feeling I won't forget and you'll never be nothing.
65. I said I hate what I've become.
66. I lied I hated who I was.
67. I hate my jobs, and I think they hate me back.
68. Back to the original plan
69. I'm glad you didn't ruin smoking for me.
70. I have lost my sex drive HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
71. I have no patience for stupid women.
72. I have no patience for women.
73. It's funny that I don't have to say what hurts or what happened; you already know.
74. Is this freedom?
75. Doesn't feel like freedom.
76. I almost hope there is a zombie apocalypse- I am so ready.
77. I'd save you.
78. I'm glad you an I talk now.
79. Where has my attention span gone?
80. OH RIGHT THE INTERNET!
81. Oh, internet, you have inadvertently ruined my life.
82. I am proud of being such an asshole sometimes.
83. Keeps the shit out of my life.
84. I envy you and your small town and your mounds of friends and admirers and skill sets.
85. And it hurts because I also admire and respect you.
86. Who knows what's fair anymore.
87. If I move away, maybe I won't have to torture myself like this anymore.
88. Only four months left!
89. And now for the final ten.
90. All of your mothers terrify me, because you matter to me.
91. I'll take you along on any adventure you ask me to.
92. Companion-less again.
93. So what? I'm still a rock-star.
94. I'm gonna start a  fight one day and tear some poor kid apart.
95. I'm starting out the year proper fucked.
96. I miss you so much.
97. Don't date shitty girls-- you're too good for that. Just fuck 'em and leave 'em.
98. When I leave, I hope I don't lose you two. Nothing else matters as much, I just don't want to lose you two.
99. Shameless and gutless as it will sound, I have nothing left to lose. Take me back.
100. FUCK YOU 2008

As every year, oirehvmnsdhlsaeroiakdlmcao;eirmnfsoiermzsdkcmsdzlfihgseroiugh. YEAAH.

Every year I write a "100 things I wanted to say" for the previous year.

Tradition continues, but not today. Maybe once I get my head on a little straighter.

I blogged.

http://wontquitmydayjob.blogspot.com

I want my boyfriend back.

He left.

http://wontquitmydayjob.blogspot.com

OISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

http://wontquitmydayjob.blogspot.com

Man, crossposting is such a pain.

<not a comic either>

Maybe people should comment.

Because its pretty depressing to think that no one is reading this at all, and how would I know the difference. At least comment over on the other blog if not here?

Y'all are makin me sad.

made huge post at
http://wontquitmydayjob.blogspot.com

GO and be hungry

The longer I spend in the States, the more I miss morning call to mosque. Or really just any of the call to mosques. Sometimes I feel like I can hear it somewhere, but there's nothing nearby at all.

I feel like I'm going to have to dl it or something. I really miss hearing it.

This weekend Tom (and Rory?) and I are supposed to drive to NH and do some hiking. Since its so warm and awesome out today. I hope it'll be fun. Long weekend, so hopefully I can catch up on sleep too?

---

I've been struggling a lot with my anger lately, especially since my last fight with Andy. I really want to make a change in my behavior but have no idea how to start. I only get so much more time with this guy and I want to make it good. After talking to one of my exes yesterday, I discovered, to my horror, that all he remembered about me was how much we fought and how mistrustful and angry I always seemed to be. Not a single good thing. It made my stomach churn to hear that. I don't want that for Andy, but I'm scared I'm already too far down that road to make up for the damage.

I don't want to walk into Behavioral Medicine at BU and get a botched job, like everyone else who walks through Student Health Services does, but I want to start making a plan to work on this. This is something I really want to change.

Halp?

I am supposed to be studying for an exam right now but I can't. I feel terrible. My stomach's not holding anything down. My head feels stuffed with cotton. My throat scrapes every time I talk. And best of all I am pretty sure Andy is about to break up with me. And therefore I feel like ... well... I don't know. I feel like I have a localized cold/motion sickness going on in my chest cavity. My heart alternates between beating too slow and me gasping for air and beating to fast and spiking my blood pressure.

I feel ill.

I want to defend myself and argue my case. I want to plead.

But I really think I don't have a shot anymore. I think he, like every other person who gets that far, just got fed up with me and wants nothing more to do with me.

Whatever, his upstairs fat manipulative neighbor wants to bone him so I'm sure he'd do well.

A tune

( Don't worry, I cut it )

When I was in Turkey,  we went to the pirate cove in the afternoons after work to chill out. We usually came when the tide was rolling in and the basin was calm and the ocean was calm, but the bottleneck under the cliffs were difficult to swim through. Under the cliffs was this ledge just over the top of water level which made a good resting place if you needed to get out of the water but couldn't swim back to shore. It was about foot wide in the narrowest place and 5 feet in the broadest, and the walls were covered with mussels and sea urchins. I am not an especially strong swimmer, so I frequently would pull myself up on this ledge to take a rest.

The last time we visited the cove we came at a time when the tide was coming in at its strongest. I swam out under the cliffs and upon realizing how tired I was already i made for the ledge. I cannot describe adequately how difficult it was to climb onto the ledge that day. Every time I would get my grip on the walls to pull myself up, a swell would push me into the wall and then recede and try to pull me off the wall. It succeeded in throwing me, back first, into the water several times. The times that it did not I clung to the wall by my fingernails as wave after swell after waves pushed me into the wall, thereby cutting up my knees, feet and legs with the razor-like mussels.

It took a while but eventually I made it onto the mostly submerged ledge and took my much deserved break. After a short breather I threw myself back into the water and swam back to shore to bandage my heavily bleeding legs.

Today I feel like I am back in that cove clinging like a little bitch to the ledge I need to get up on.

Music

I never did make that more interesting post....

Well the short story is: my house was broken into because they turned on the swipe machines and the 178 door didn't lock.

Then more abysmal training. Where I cried a bunch then overdressed for a rather nice dinner. Since then it has been move-in shifts and one on call day.

And Andy came back! Reunion, hooray!

So that's everything from before.

Now, a brief thought from our.... writer...

Things that make me feel weird this year:

-Rory doesn't come home with me and Tom
-I am not at the Softness every fucking weekend
-I am helpful and go out of my way to show people the ropes
-I am the enforcer, but so far am not really enforcing much
-Andy has come over to my place. Twice in the span of 4 days.
-I have 5 classes, 2 jobs, and 1 RA gig and I do not feel overwhelmed.

Things that do not surprise me at all:

-I think I frighten my residents (two of them say "you're cool, but you kind of scare me." AWESOME)
-I seriously do not like being an RA.


"White Winter Hymnal" by Fleet Foxes

What the fuck possessed me to do this?











... oh right, free housing.

(a more interesting post on the goings on later tonight)